TMI about TBI May 2018

This is an essay that I started in the 1990’s and never shared previously.

What is it like to have a traumatic brain injury?

Have you ever lost everything you thought you valued and then slowly regained it?  I did.  Let me tell you the story of what happened to me in the late 1990’s.  At least the parts I can remember. 

The story has a fuzzy beginning, since I was unconsciousI suffered a skull fracture also categorized as a traumatic brain injury (TBI).  I woke up with no memory; but my being awake was a big relief to my family, friends and co-workers.  They had been waiting and praying for days for me to resume consciousness.

I was in the hospital, but I did not understand why.  At first, my memory was so poor, that if visitors walked in and out of my room I would greet them again.  The first day my doctor stopped by my room I did not remember it, and the second day I thought he seemed familiar.  By the next day, I knew I had seen him before, and finally, I realized that the doctor visited every morning.

While in the hospital, I received an oversized get well card from my office and I was entertained each time I saw it (since I could not at first remember that I had seen it previously), slowly remembering each of the friends who had signed it as time went on.  Sometimes I got cards and packages, but I could not always associate these items with the friends who sent them right away.  Each day, I constantly informed everyone what occurred the night before on “Beverly Hills 90210” or “Melrose Place”.  My visitors were also nice enough not to complain about the repetition or my bad hair days!

Physically, I was unable to sit up in bed, stand, or walk.  I also had to learn to speak, eat, read and answer the telephone again.  I had very little balance and had to be belted into the bed every night.  I wore an electronic bracelet that activated the hospital’s alarm, in case I wandered off.  My visitors overwhelmed me, but luckily, my Mom prompted me with visitor’s names.  When my cousin and her husband arrived, I could not remember their names individually, and had to say both names together to greet them.  A diary of my visitors and condition was next to the bed, since I could not tell any others the simple details, such as who had stopped by.

Two weeks after my accident, I was transferred to a rehab center.  I could not keep track of my own schedule, which consisted of group, occupational and physical therapy. The group therapy sessions involved talking with other patients who had similar injuries.  The therapist would give us all a theme; then the group would quickly forget it.  When my memory was returning, I began to assist the therapist by steering the conversation back onto the correct topic.

Occupational therapy consisted of tasks such as writing checks and baking muffins.  Eventually, I remembered I never liked to cook.  When I was feeling better, I started to trounce the therapist at the board game Scrabble, which I have played since I was a kid.

My physical therapy consisted of balancing exercises, walking and swimming.  This may sound simple, but it was challenging enough to remember to bring a towel.  If I went for a walk outside, each curb looked like a cliff and each ramp a mountain.  A friend wanted to gather autumn leaves for a craft project, but I suspected that she just wanted to make me walk, talk and bend over at the same time.  What had been simple tasks were now difficult.  I would stop as if I was shopping in the mall to browse, except I stopped moving to finish my sentences.

Once a group of patients went to a movie, in a wheelchair bus.  The type of bus I had previously thought I would never ride in.  I could not walk into the theater alone, but I could if I was holding the recreational therapist’s hand.  Can you even imagine not buying popcorn or going into the restroom by yourself?  Our group saw “Pulp Fiction”, which is a bizarre movie.  However, the movies are more fun time without trying to remember the beginning and end simultaneously.

One of my business groups sent me a get-well basket of flowers.  Since I had no sense of time, I called to thank them at 4:30 a.m.

Eventually, I improved and went from calling the nurses, to using a wheelchair, next a walker, and then I walked under my own power.  Running was far off, and running up or down the stairs was hard to imagine.  Many times, tasks I had done easily, I did not realize I could not do until the ability returned again.  This is how I feel my mind helped to protect me.  Small tasks, such as tying my shoes, became my achievements.  Flipping my head upside down to blow-dry my hair, was now a short-term goal.

I returned to my parent’s home two weeks later and continued outpatient physical therapy.  I thought that my therapist made a living trying to find ways to knock me over.  My goal was simple, to remain standing.

After three months, I returned to my apartment and my office.  This was four months earlier than the anticipated schedule.  I had watched enough TV talk shows to last a lifetime.  The workday was longer than I thought it was, and I took a nap each day when I got home.

Each of my co-workers informed me that I had borrowed money and forgotten to repay them.  I finished some paperwork and reports; proud to have conclusions for reports I had started months earlier.

I constantly quizzed myself by naming songs on the radio.  I gave myself bonus points, for naming each song I remembered from before my accident.  I tried to be extra careful all day, everyday.  This is a tireless and impossible task, which includes not slipping in the shower, holding onto all handrails, and surviving any dizzy spells.

After six months, I got back on a horse again.  This is what I was doing when I was injured.  Maybe I was very brave, but I had no memory of my previous fall.  If I had been in a car accident, I would still drive, so I got back on.  I never saw the horse that injured me again since it was no longer at my barn, but I also did not remember it.

This first year was very frustrating time, since I appeared to be the same person as I was from before my accident.  However, I felt like a different person inside sometimes.  If I was in a mall, I feared people would push or knock me down.  Sometimes, I was scared there would be a fire drill and I could not exit quickly enough.  My accident caused me to be more sympathetic toward the sick or elderly, who do venture out in crowds or in bad weather.

Luckily, I forgot the details of the fall and the pain, which were the scariest parts of my experience.  Thankfully, I have no serious or long lasting side effects.  Sometimes in yoga class, attempting to do balancing exercises; I feel like the only one with the secret knowledge of why I can not do them easily.

The main lesson I have learned is to be thankful for what you have right now.  When I was injured, I even missed the annoying things such as; being stuck in traffic, walking further into a building from a bad parking space and having a crazy busy schedule!